God’s Peace in Barrenness

As far back as I can remember, if you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would’ve said first and foremost, “I want to be a wife and mother.” Coming in second, would’ve been “a nurse missionary in Africa.” Anyone that knew me, probably knew those facts very well! As the years unfolded, I became a nurse and was a nurse missionary in Uganda, Africa! Then I became a wife. My most precious dream yet to become a reality…

It was a happy day in April, 2023 when I saw a faint second line and then it got darker with confirmation from a blood test. I was finally experiencing the unfolding of my most precious dream: to be a mama. 

It was all too soon when I experienced a miscarriage. I could not protect the life that had begun to form in my womb. Words cannot describe the agony and grief I experienced. 

If you’ve ever heard someone say, “grief changes you,” it was true for me. It changed me in ways I cannot put into words. I would do it all over again if it meant I could experience the love I felt towards my unborn baby growing in my womb for just a minute.

As I was driving home from work this evening, the desire to be a mama weighed heavily on my heart. I started praying to God about how I was feeling as tears began to flow down my face. 

I prayed God’s Word back to Him, “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, And to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” Psalm 113:9. Specifically requesting that God would touch my now lifeless womb and to be a joyful mother of children. 

I was tempted to doubt, what if He doesn’t? What then?…I went right into telling God about how I have this strong desire on my heart and I feel like I should let that desire go and move on with my life. Clearly, my body is telling me “You weren’t formed in your mother’s womb to be a mother.” In my heart, I cried out to God. Words cannot describe the communion between my soul and my Heavenly Father. For the lack of words, let's just say, I questioned if this desire was from God, if it was God's will. 

In a split second, the tears rushed down my face as God spoke TO ME by bringing three distinct verses to my mind.

”He maketh the barren woman to keep house, And to be a joyful mother of children.” Psalm 113:9 

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is His reward…Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them.” Psalm 127:3,5

Then, this peace passed over me that could ONLY come from God. I was held. This desire in my heart IS from Him! I am in His will, desiring to be a mama! There is NO shame in His will. Only comfort and peace that passes all understanding.

So what if He doesn’t fulfill this desire? I will praise Him for He has put this desire on my heart for a reason even if I can’t understand the “why” now. 

As the months pass on living with a barren womb, it would be understandable if I became anxious, doubtful, and mad at God. 

But remember what I said earlier, how grief changed me? Losing my baby was such a gut-wrenching experience for me that I came to a point of complete surrender. God was the One who creates life. He must have a place for me in all of this sadness. So, I opened my heart and allowed Him to do His perfect work in me.

Ever since the summer of 2023, I have held this picture in my mind (if I could paint well, I would paint this scene)…I am standing with my arms stretched wide open as my face is turned toward heaven. The experience on my face is calm as my eyes are closed to shield from the rain. The clouds are dark, lightning flashes, thunder roars, the rain falls. I stand there in complete peace as chaos unleashes around me. It is His peace that fills me. It is an image of me embracing everything He deems right for me to experience. I am held. I am safe. I am His.

This evening, God reminded me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made to me a vessel of His love and compassion to the world. My story is really His story. I am not to question why or doubt His perfect timing. But embrace every aspect of this life that He has given me. 

I am often asked, “how do you do it?!” That is, desiring to have a baby so deeply yet no real sign that my womb is capable of bringing forth life naturally. Up until this evening I did not have the words to explain but God impressed them on my heart as I cried out to Him on my way home.

It is His peace. I wish that you could experience this peace that He has covered me with. I questioned Him if the peace that I felt was from Him. Of course it was! This peace that passes all understanding can only come from Him because my circumstances are very much ground for fear, doubt, anxiety, and anger. 

I am learning to pray more specifically and watch for God to come through. This evening God came through in a real way for me. I am thankful that He gave me the precious opportunity to carry new life in my womb, even for a heartbreaking short time, that my heart would be drawn to Him in a way it has never been drawn. That I may behold and see His goodness and learn to embrace ALL that He has in store for me, whatever it may mean. I don’t know how or when God will truly make me a “joyful mother of children,” but I do know that He will manifest His goodness through my life. I was made for this story. I am a fearfully and wonderfully made vessel for a beautiful purpose. God will be glorified and all will know that He is a God of mercy, love, and compassion, and Way Maker, Miracle Worker!

I am able to endure the grief of barrenness because of God’s peace.