“There is no heartbeat…”

”The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; And saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.“

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭34‬:‭18‬ ‭KJV‬‬

It was a perfect day. With nervousness, excitement, and joy, I walked into the clinic with my best friend, Natalie. Both excitingly anticipating the precious sound of my baby's heartbeat, tucked safely within my womb.

In a matter of seconds, my world went from living a miracle to being trapped in a nightmare.

There was no, "I'm sorry," showing tenderness to a mother-to-be that her miracle baby had died and she would soon miscarry. It was all so formal.

I could feel the blood drain from my face as I stared at the ultrasound screen. Maybe she wasn't seeing it right. Maybe the volume was down. Maybe, oh please maybe! But no, I could clearly see that life had gone out from within my womb. In a way, I had already sensed it a few days before but did not want to accept it.

I didn't say anything to help hold back the tears. As soon as the practitioner and her assistant left the room, I slowly dragged my body off the exam table to get dressed. Tears ran down my face. I felt like the room was closing in on me and stolen all the oxygen.

But I pulled myself together the best I knew how, and met with the practitioner who less than emphatically told me that my baby never had a chance.

I wept as they drew labs to check the HCG to confirm what was already known.

Natalie and I had a full day planned of fun and rejoicing. We were going to go to Biltmore after the appointment. But I couldn't stop crying long enough to breath, so we headed home.

I've never cried so much in my life. My precious baby who I wanted to protect and care was being torn from me and I could do nothing to prevent it! Oh the horror that filled my heart.

The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months since have been a blur.

That was 7 months ago now but the dreadful moment haunts me every day for how my heart longed to be a mother all my life and I held that dream within my womb for far too short of a time.

Well-meaning folks tell me that my time will come soon. My heart screams, "My time did come but it was taken away from me." I was among the 1 in 4 women who experience the grief of a miscarriage.

Honestly, I can't know that my time will come again. That God will give me a rainbow baby. I'd like to trust and believe He will.

I'll never meet our Precious Promise this side of Heaven. Just that thought breaks my heart a little more each day, knowing what a gift I was given and lost, until Heaven.

My heart and arms ache to cuddle our baby. But until God gives me another precious miracle, if He so wills, I will rest in knowing that ”He healeth the broken in heart, And bindeth up their wounds.“

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭147‬:‭3‬.

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P.S.

I want you to know...

If you have experienced a miscarriage, you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling is normal! In time, you'll be able to breath alittle more each day.